If there is no new news, why are we talking about this, again?
I don’t know about you, but when my favorite show keeps running the same episode over and over, I get very frustrated. I want something new. I want new news!
One of the first “snaps” in Pepper’s and my new book deals with redundant conversations and the damage they cause to relationships. The more you recall bad experiences, the worse you both feel. Research shows these impacts are not only emotional — they can affect your physical health as well.
But it doesn't have to take a heaven- and earth-moving intervention to change the dynamics in this type of situation. In our book, we describe how a couple, Matteo and Lucia, are struggling to move beyond a negative experience. We explore how they can re-work their responses to each other and gain better understanding.
To give you a preview: Matteo gave Lucia a gift that wasn't expected or helpful to her. Lucia doesn't feel listened to and Matteo doesn't feel appreciated. The situation has devolved to the point where they have the same fight around birthdays and anniversaries. Matteo no longer wants to give gifts, and Lucia feels hurt that he doesn't.
Sounds pretty convoluted and hopeless? But it doesn't have to be if both are willing to make a few small changes. Lucia needs to help Matteo know what she likes — he’s not psychic. And Matteo needs to be open to learning about Lucia’s preferences and taking the risk that he might not get it right every time. But they need to be in a safe place where they can learn and grow through these experiences.
We discuss how to make it safe in more detail in the book. Check it out! It could help you change your next conversation — and your relationship for the better.